moments. hope. life.

photos of us as engaged folk

2011-07-08T11:49:00.000-05:00

First engagement shoot during the winter with a Russian/snowshoe theme. It was a cold and blowing day but there was some sun. My roommate, Jayme, took shots of Josh and I quickly with more to come when Spring finally showed up (below).

Yay for spring! These were taken less than a month before our wedding. Actually 1 year to the day since our first date at Commons Roots in Minneapolis. May 8. This shoot was fun and there were lots of beautiful photos. Still trying to figure out how to work Josh's fancy computer and Lightroom so that I can put a bunch of these (and wedding!) photos online. (It hurts my wee heart that they're mostly held captive in this room...)

So yes, if you've gathered that these are old and delayed and a bit outdated, you're right. We have been married for a month and a half now already. We were married on May 28, 2011. And that is a story in and of itself. I intend to pick this blog back up. And soon perhaps I'll upload some wedding photos (if the man gets editing done) and tell you all about our wonderful wedding on the farm with thunderstorm sirens and downpours and rainbows and roasted pigs... it's a delightful story. You'll want to read about this one. I promise.

engaged already!

2010-12-20T09:22:00.000-06:00

i know i hardly write here these days. the daily-journaling sort of me took a bit of a hiatus when grad school start, and i think that's spilled over into my blogging.

anyways, people have been quite vocal on facebook the last two days due to some news j and i let slip on there, so i wanted to post a couple photos here, in this more private space. in their vocalizations, a few people let me know that it was a quite a surprise to them, that they "missed the pre-engagement" part completely! well, i chalk that up to them not being someone whose ear i can talk off because i've been talking a lot about the mister, and to the pre-mentioned fact that my writing frequency has waned as well as my long-distance friendship pursuing ability. so perhaps, after today, i will get to telling our story. i've been describing it as a whirlwind romance because it has been quick... but lovely nonetheless.

so my mister proposed to me on saturday afternoon! it's very exciting and i have been giggling quite a bit as i replay those moments in my mind. i had been aware of his search for a ring, so it wasn't a complete shock. but i did not imagine he had already ordered it (off of etsy.com of course!) and that it arrived on thursday to the p.o. j didn't waste any time. he asked my parents for permission to marry me the next night, as we happened to be staying with them for a quick night, and he told my sister sarah and her husband with them that the planned to propose to me the very next day. and he did...

he tricked me that morning into a photo shoot at a friend's house after brunch. i whined and complained because i felt embarrassed and am not eager to do such things (especially when i feel all akimbo without showering, etc.). but he knew we'd be glad for a photo of us on the day of our engagement, so he stuck to his guns. here's the best shot:

and then we did some almost-last-minute christmas shopping (even slightly ruining our day by a trip to cabela's. ha!) and headed back towards minneapolis. i asked him where to next, due to our necessary pursuit of more gifts, and he said his house for a bit. i wasn't sure why but he said he needed a break and was "stressed," the reason for which wasn't exactly apparent to me.

oddly, when we got to his apartment he was very eager to play a song for me. he had mentioned that he had written me a song a couple days before, or was working on one, and had showed some determination to sing/play it for me. so he whipped out his guitar and was ready. but i wasn't! i took my sweet ol' time reading a cookbook he had laying on his coffee table. i even told him to wait until i was done so i wouldn't be distracted by my search for a specific recipe. anyways, he was patient, and i soon became ready.

j played guitar and sang me the most beautiful and meaningful song... it was all about us, about our future, about going anywhere and everywhere together, and by the end (still without a clue) i was shedding a few tears. i loved it! so he came over the couch and was hugging me, and i was happy with just that, the gift of an amazing song from the man i love... but then i noticed he was reaching into his front shirt pocket and wait, what?, he's sort of shaky... what's he nervous about? and as i was realizing that there was something going on he was on his way to his knee (wedged between me on the couch and the coffee table). and j tells me that i gasped and said, "is this happening?! no!" and before i knew it, he was looking up at me and asking me to marry him. i was so unbelievable, such unexpected timing! and so so so great, of course! we laughed, and i did a few jumps, and just hugged his neck tight and long... and talked for a bit, prayed together, and then started the phone calls.

that evening he took me to a new nepali/tibetan/indian cuisine restaurant we had heard of from a friend in northeast minneapolis. we told the waitress that we were celebrating our engagement, and j spoke a few (well-pronounced) nepali words which sparked a fun conversation in nepali between me and the owner. it was a perfect and quite appropriate way to celebrate.

the next morning i took j for breakfast to the place we had our first date (on may 8th, 2010) to celebrate a little more before beginning a day of church, a photo shoot job for j, more church, and wedding planning mixed in. we're thinking of getting married in just over five months so hopefully we have already made some lists and begun the hunt for a venue. we are so very happy... and this man is truly a gift from God to me.

here's a couple shots of me and the ring the day after the engagement:

oh life

2010-10-21T11:53:00.000-05:00

if you've been around me the last few years, you've heard me often sigh deeply and say, "aiya bahhh..." i think it's become my mantra, a modified version of something nepali, to mean "oh, life..." it's not necessarily negative or exasperated, but it's definitely an awareness that life can sometimes evoke feelings beyond words, or at least in the moment that life overcomes me. it happens anywhere, at work, at home, out with friends... it happens when my brain leaves one moment and moves to the next. when i have lots to do, or many things to ponder, or feel like i'm juggling twenty-seven balls at once. it happens when i'm happy, too, with all that i have been given. and the sighing and "aiya bah"s are somehow helpful. a release.

today i'm avoiding the office. i have the freedom to do that. being there, getting work done, in the room i share with two co-workers can sometimes make my job, which is already highly stressful, more so. it can sometimes help, though, too, because my co-workers give me lots of much-needed advice and lately, too, pep talks. but staying at home when i have three appointments back to back this afternoon feels like a good self-care thing. i'm thinking of what's to come in this day, longing for the week to end, honestly, and hoping all goes well. it's been a couple weeks of lots of hard work with my adolescents and their families. lots of heart-breaking stuff that has challenged me in ways i couldn't have prepared much more for. i'm a therapist but have felt a lot like a child protection worker or a case manager these days. having really hard conversations with parents, helping kids find safe shelter, and making call after call for fifty seven things that need to be figured out. the therapist in me both loves and hates that i get to be so holistically involved in my clients' lives. it's great to have such freedom to advocate for them and step in when crises happen. but it would definitely be much easier to have a clear boundary, keeping me from wearing several hats. stress has been pumping through my body, keeping me moving quickly and thinking fast (or not thinking well at all). and i think the crises of the week are mostly tied up but the solutions are temporary and the future holds more work to be done. these teens deserve it, and i'm glad that i get to walk with them through the shit of life, but some days i wouldn't mind hiding. it's sobering that i technically could hide, while they can't. i've got lots to be grateful for.

i scrubbed our tub this morning. it's been needing it. and i did it for my roommate who takes regular baths. and to accomplish something physical, to see results. sometimes i need that. my hands hurt, and i like it.

now to the work i get paid to do.

reminder of a year spent: morocco in the spring 2009

2010-07-29T11:12:00.000-05:00

development near the livesay abode in casablanca

looking to the water from the rooftop with kirk

down by the water in the evening, spying on the fisherman

midday visit

much has happened in the last year plus. and i'm thankful for where i am now, while itching to go. somewhere. soon.

on my mind

2010-07-22T13:06:00.000-05:00

lately i've not been able to get this over the rhine song out of my head:

I Want You To Be My Love

(Bergquist/Detweiler)

I want you to be my love
I want you to be my love
'Neath the moon and the stars above
I want you to be my love

I want you to know me now
I want you to know me now
Break a promise make a vow
I know you want me now

Like I want you

I want you to be my love
I want you to be my love
'Neath the moon and the stars above
I want you to be my love

'Cause I want you
I know all you--
All you've been through

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i know, it's a bit lovey-dovey. (the word of the day accompanies this post of the song of my month: lovey-dovey.) but what am i to do? i share it perhaps as a way of getting it out of my system. purging it. did it work?

it's really because of him, that i'm silently singing such a sappy (love)song:

ha ha. no face to show yet. i mean, he has one, one quite pleasing to be sure, but that sort of open declaration of the man is not yet for this space.

heat and pressure.

2010-07-16T11:35:00.001-05:00

summer life has been strange. beautiful. stressful. enjoyable. transitional. fast. slow.

i was basically dared to write on here, since it has been since may, by my sister. she almost threatened to fight me over it. and then it was a facebook race to see who would do it first. and she beat me, of course, because i was not exactly "running" so fast to win this one. and so really i don't feel super motivated to write since she's already won, but alas! it needs to happen. i've really been waiting on my lazy bum to upload photos. and i'm currently doing that, while "working" from home. and i'm looking at the photos and realizing that they are of poor quality. i need to really learn how to take better photos with my new camera. {and that's even harder to do these days because i have a resident photographer of sorts in my life who i simply let be the camera-bearer as he generally always has it and is much much more skilled than i!}

but i'll share a few...

the livesays are back in the states for a while and we welcomed them back to minneapolis in june. this was our reunion there, minus one sister. the gallaghers had already been in town for a week and this was one gathering in a long string of many, that ended a week ago.

spent several days in owatonna with the family. it was nice and i felt spoiled. and struggled against the fact that i have a full-time job and couldn't be there even more. then we finally had our family vacation near lansboro (repeat of last summer), and i was able to be there for almost all of that. lovely and so fun...

a classic shot of warm days of playing with water for these blond cousins at the cabin. we had an all out war one day between the boys and marmie/mimi and auntie lizzie. happy memories. too brief.

and now, i'm settling back into life as an in-home therapist/skills worker and trying to live up the rest of my summer. there are concerts to attend, camping to do, volunteering to (hopefully) begin, friends to see, lots of playing to do. and i'm looking forward to more time with the livesay family. love, love, love.

and of course miss miss miss silly moments like this with my nephews who live in colorado. hoping to see them (there) sooner than later. uh. heartache.

there's more to share. stories, photos, people in my life. but that's it for now. much avoidance of work on this friday (but in my defense, not much work to be done)... must. move. on.

ps. if you don't know josh ritter yet, please do yourself a favor and check him out. can't get enough.

of late

2010-05-28T09:33:00.001-05:00

life sure is great these days. changes usually have me in a tizzy, but even at this intense rate of change, somehow i feel relatively stable. i mean, i know i'm a bit more anxious than usual these days, but it isn't what it could have been. i think it helps that the changes are all so good!
change #1: the end of grad school. those two years of school flew flew flew by. not that it always felt that way, but looking back i can hardly believe that i left colorado almost two years ago and already completed my msw. time sure has a way of warping. graduation was nice in all of its pomp and circumstance. mom and dad "hooded" me on stage, meaning they draped one of those silly decorative things over my neck. i was mostly just worried that they'd knock the silly mortarboard off of my head. but, didn't happen. i was wishing all afternoon that my sisters had been there. i felt so supported by them during these two years of school. but alas...
change #2: my internship ended on the wednesday before grad and i returned to the same place the monday after as a staff member. i'm finishing up week two as a full-time salaried in-home therapist. and it's been good and sometimes stressful and a bit slow for now, which is all fine. i'm at half-caseload right now and slowly working up to full. learning lots. but it was nice to start someplace that i know and am known and in a position that i've done a bit of already. but it's definite change nonetheless. and i'm so thankful.
change #3: a boy. and a great one at that. (you can ask me to share on an individual basis. i'm more than willing! but be warned: i may have a hard time shutting up about him.)
change #4: my roommate and her baby moved out this week (this change isn't necessarily so great, but perhaps it was time...). i think i was in denial this last month and was sad to see jodi and babe leave. now i'm in the "living alone in a house with minimal stuff" phase. and thinking about buying things. [ha! wandered around target last night and thought about getting a few simple things that i'm missing, but after carrying some stuff around and debating colors in my head, i just put them all back. why is that so hard for me?] but then also not sure where my next living situation will be and what i'll need. so it's awkward. and it's nice, too. but i'm always a bit nervous about living alone here in the northside. this will probably only be for a month, and then, more change!

so, life is good. really good. and i'm reading books for fun. and getting cooked lots of delicious meals. and earning the "big bucks" (ha!). and taking care of the cutest house in north minneapolis. and getting the swing of things at a new desk. and taking time for me.

lovely. i think this kind of change is grand, but still i'm okay with things normalizing a bit, for now.

this morning

2010-05-10T08:51:00.000-05:00

i responded to a blog i read religiously this morning as i found this and especially this post to bring me to tears. the wide net of change and growth, and taking that shaky step into the next phase of life, has captured me. and it's nice to feel some comraderie with someone else who is at a very different, yet similar, place. so i thought i'd just share what i wrote to her...

christina,
your posts made me cry this morning. i was a few days behind. and while i’m not a mommy watching her boys growing up and launching a beautiful project with the backing of many who believe in her, i am someone who is in the midst of new beginnings. it’s that scary-excited feeling that sometimes can feel lonely and sometimes can feel joyous and full. i’m finishing up grad school, avoiding my last paper just to prolong what’s become comfortable. and i’m starting a new fulltime job in one week, a new position at a place i’ve been a while, but somehow it’s scary nonetheless. and i’m taking that next step beyond this one passing closer to the many dreams i have. dreams that don’t necessarily bring lots of people near to join me on the journey.
as always, thanks for sharing and uniting us in universal happenings and struggles and quotidian delights.
liz

Sold into sex work | Asia | Pakistan | Children Economy Gender Issues Human Rights Urban Risk | And Me in Minnesota...

2010-04-27T13:59:00.001-05:00

i've been doing a lot of reading and writing on this topic of sex slavery, as usual i suppose, as i've been able to study its prevalence in different ways all around the world. i've been focused to the minnesota issue due to my location and my interest in the twin cities as i see myself staying here for a while yet. much like this article on the reality of sexual slavery among pakistani poor:
IRIN Asia PAKISTAN: Sold into sex work Asia Pakistan Children Economy Gender Issues Human Rights Urban Risk Feature , girls on average are trafficked sexually between the ages of 12 and 14 in minnesota. people like to think the issue is just "over there" but it's here. and where you are, too, i'm pretty sure i can guarentee to any reader. i hope to continue to be involved with what is happening here to eradicate the influences that keep the market for sex thriving, while i also long to return to asia and do the work there. it's by reading articles like the one linked here along with commiting to work here among impoverished and oppressed adolescents and families that keep me focused on my goals and purpose.

random pre-reading-in-bed thoughts

2010-04-07T22:07:00.000-05:00

i'm afraid this computer is already on its way out. it does so many little fluke-y things that i wouldn't even know how to address if i were to take it to see the Geek Squad people or anyone else. it's just not right. and i dread the day it dies on me.

i found out more info about my job to be but have no yet officially signed papers or talked to the "HR lady," audrey. the woman who is moving from the position i'm set up to fill is a bit angsty about it all. she suggested to me today that it wasn't necessarily her choice to move on to outpatient work with clients, that it was sort of decided for her when she got her LMFT licensure. and telling me that left me feeling a bit awkward since i knew she and the other two staff in the in-home department did not necessarily see eye-to-eye and she wonders if perhaps that's why they moved her on. anyways, i just stared at a hole in her the wall of her new office as she shared this all with me and told her that "i'll see if i like it," and "umm... err... sorry! gotta run!" anyways, all of that drama aside, i am looking forward to making the plunge into in home therapy work. and i had a meeting with my new "boss" this week to discuss working with one of my outpatient clients a bit longer, and she is convinced its a good idea on a temporary basis--in the best interest of this client ("the wee one" mentioned in a previous post, actually). that excites me and i look forward to talking with her about it on monday.

i bought a pair of lucky jeans from target yesterday. (honestly never tried a pair on in my life nor been strangely obsessed with that brand like so many others i know.) weird, i know, since they don't carry that label. but somehow they had been returned to a target successfully and were very marked down in order for them to get rid of them. the dressing room lady said something about a "scandal!" ha! so, i felt a bit odd about the purchase but liked the way they fit (and the price!) enough to buy them nonetheless. random. but not as random as my story of driving a drunk/high lady around north minneapolis just before 10 pm a couple weeks back...

and i made spring rolls tonight. a bit messy and not as tasty as they could have been with shrimp, but i wasn't feeling good about splurging on that, so alas! no shrimp. the mint helped of course. i love that bangkok peanut sauce, so i bought some of that to eat with the veggie spring rolls. and made extras for tomorrow's lunch. ymmm... spring rolls, pinot grigio and dark chocolate. tasty late dinner.

and now off to more reading about recovery work for trauma survivors. some light reading to usher in much-needed sleep.

i leave you with this shot of sweet little man tate concentrating on some toy of his big brothers'. i love the lighting...and the subject, of course!

spring's sound and breeze fill my senses

2010-03-31T10:04:00.000-05:00

i have no reason to wonder any more if it will be difficult to finish this grad school thing strong. it most definitely will. it's already over 60 degrees here in minneapolis and climbing. i have my opened my back upstairs window and my back door to let the sounds and warmth in, and the heat is officially turned off (i know, i know, we've had it on still since our house seems to stay way too cold and there's a pregnant lady living here...).

i have a month and a half of school left. and then, well, i ever so thankfully get to immediately begin a job! a full-time job as a family therapist! it's wild and is still sinking in, since i've only known for sure of this news since monday afternoon. but i'm so so so thankful for the job, and not just a job, but a job i really want, one that will teach me lots that i am eager to learn and one that i hear has decent pay and one that will get me the clinical hours i need over the next two years to get my clinical license. and i'm staying put, it means. and i can quit my group home job (wrote the official resignation email just this morning. ah relief!)! and i think it means much more... but i won't know the details until next week when the HR lady contacts me. oh yeah, i guess i should clarify that it's a job at the place i'm interning currently. so i'll be continuing on with the two families i'm working with as an intern and i'll be ending my work with my 6 outpatient clients. that ending part is going to suck. i really like these young men and women... i'll be moving to a desk across the hall and working with two really great women whom have already taught me so much in the family therapy realm of things and how to creatively do what our funding folks ask of us. it's going to be challenging (and i'm thankful for that, too). and i'll be working in people's homes. i know that is the type of therapy many people despise, but i happen to be a fan, at least so far. it feels normal to be hanging out with people in their homes, as a guest, thanks to my years in nepal doing lots of that. but it definitely brings a different dynamic when i'm coming in to help these incredibly struggling teens/young adults and their families as a therapist. let the journey commence! [actually i feel torn: i both wish i was starting my job today (instead of waiting until may 17th) and i wish i had a few weeks break from school before starting, but i'll happily take what i've been given.]

so yay, celebrate with me! it really is amazing in this market to be able to so quickly find work. and i'm so glad to NOT have to hunt with the rest of those who will ever-so-quickly be competing for the few clinical positions out there.

all of you in colorado and indiana and elsewhere, you can come visit me, i suppose i'm not moving back any time too soon.

(ps. i love lent. and i love holy week. i'm thankful for this week, and for what it means. perhaps i'll post on that in a couple days before it's all said and done.)

"The earth is crammed with heaven." -elizabeth barrett browning

2010-03-08T21:45:00.000-06:00

processing the session with the wee one today. it's sort of haunting me. i sort of feel like i did a crap job. made her worry about the day that we have to end our working relationship. and i'm worried about it, too. i almost cried with her at the thought of her and i not seeing each other, and her not having a replacement since she declares she won't want one. and i almost cried at the thought of her potentially not trying anymore with me because, "what's the point? to say it all just to have to tell someone else it all again?" i almost agree with her. i feel like i lost it, i didn't pay attention to the earlier tears she was crying. why was she crying those tears? was she crying about how i was talking like other therapists, saying it's the drugs when she wanted me to say "it's you," as she linked it to the excuse of the drugs her mom uses and gets for her own issues. "it's my mom." "it's me. it's not the drugs. it's me!" and i rattled off all the things it is, drugs being part of what she is allowing into her life, the decisions she's making, her stage of development and her traumatized brain. and yes, it's her. and more. but did i leave her feeling helpless and hopeless. was i overly-negative? and did i not build her back up as she needed before saying goodbye sweetly to lois and meeting her mom in the car? she left with the quickly shut up tears, a desire to smoke a bowl, and a plan to get a kickass journal to mimic "cruel intentions" for her renewed love to writing her constantly confused thoughts and show them to proudly week-to-week. i'm sorta anxious about the two and a half week separation (a "grip," as the wee one taught me: a long long time), since i'm missing our next two appointments to go on vaca. i'm sort of nervous, too, about if she'll give up on me, as someone she can trust, and not come back, or at least shut down, aware that the separation is inevitable. and nervous, too, about the things i didn't say and could have even though our session was extra-long again. [so odd, but i'm not usually plagued by such anxiety about what i could have/should have said.] and i'm wishing i didn't have to leave her now, almost as a practice for what's to come. and this is all surprising to me. i really didn't think i'd get that attached. but i am. and how will i handle it? it's a new thought to me. and then i feel like a crap therapist that i've let myself get attached, and even worse that i've let them attach to me. they don't need me, but i think some of them feel like it now, after meeting so regularly. and i don't get to end on their terms, it's mine. my time is up (or will be in two months) and therefore they are forced to move on. odd. makes me uncomfortable. and i cringe. if there's any way to continue with this extra special wee fighter, i would. is there any way? i wrack my brain tonight as i think of what i didn't say and what i will do with our last two months together. i wish that i could get hired on and continue, even if in a different capacity, just to carry on with these dear ones. oh, i'm crazy. and oh, yes, i love this work and i hate change and separation. and hate having to trust that this time is not meant to mend it all. because i want to see them all healed and whole. it's impossible but a hope that is in line with who i am, my desires and my deep deep hopes. i have to hold them up with open hands even as i meet with them, but especially as i send them on their ways.

"the biggest tragedy for me is when something beautiful wants to grow and something else stops it." --mary pipher, letters to a young therapist

it's something

2010-03-03T19:06:00.000-06:00

here are some "somethings" i'm trying to hold onto (my supervisor at my internship just affirmed me for holding onto positives as i can, and i am glad that i am, in the flow of trying to become less negative):

--there's still much conversing to happen around the office before they make a final decision. yesterday's conversation left me a bit frustrated... but there's still some hope. i get to wait!

--this is my hair after a full day of wearing it, napping on it, being outside, inside, etc...

the photo's something even if the hair's not so great looking right now. i got a haircut (needed one badly) and it's a belated and not-so-well-lit display of the hair dye (that i probably should update in a few weeks already).

--i meant to get LOTS of writing done this weekend/week. and well, i started and completed one paper (a 4 pager) instead of the intended research project. it's something! another check on my long list. ...hmm, i also managed to clean and organize and get the recycling/garbage out and write some emails and have some great phone conversations and spend a couple wonderful times with friends face to face and via gchat and purchase a camera... funny how that works. and my avoidance presently continues...

cross your fingers, pray, whatever you might do...

2010-03-02T13:03:00.000-06:00

t minus 5 minutes until i go into a meeting that may result in at minimum a little more info and at maximum a job offer (that would be a miraculous maximum!). but i am going to have a conversation about the murmurings around this joint about the potential for me to find a job here in the near future. i've had high hopes all weekend since being told a position will be opening and several people are dropping my name. and then yesterday had even bigger reason to hope...somewhat quickly followed by a small dashing of my hopeful spirits. so the conversation about to happen could be good, okay or bad (or not that clear-cut as i teach my clients we can feel all sorta of conflicting emotions at once... confusion is normal--and i admit i confusedly hate and love confusion all at once, too!). so we'll see. how grand would it be NOT to have to job hunt and compete against my friends in a couple months?!

my mantra today has been, "it will all be as it should."

t minus 1 minute!

thoughts that inspire and distract me

2010-02-26T17:37:00.000-06:00

a friend of mine, from my little church that meets in a home and has no name, sent me bits and chunks of this essay by anne lamott this afternoon. i got a good taste and had to read the whole thing. i especially love the imagery about drinking water and giving and receiving it from each other. it may be a bit liberal for some of my friends, but anne lamott is no regular jesus-lover, as you probably already know. i think it reflects much of my own ideas about love and life and suffering, but of course much more eloquently.

i've been in conversations with several friends this week, from separate parts of my life actually, about community and it's purpose and how it could/should look. i find myself struggling (no surprise there!) with what my little community here is now and where i think it could be. i have had a lot of wandering thoughts about some frustrations and disappointments with our lack of connection and care for each other, but i've not been too intentional about really sitting down to process my thoughts and feelings in order to do much about it. i wrote an email to a few of my friends last week in regards to one friend who has been a bit absent from us physically for quite some time, and therefore absent from most people's thoughts. and i find it wrong, not what i envision or feel convicted that community is meant to be. that WE are meant to be as the body of Christ. at the same time i feel so many other competing things about how we are caught up in ourselves and our circular discussion around how to be community. and we are unaware of the needs of the people who ARE physically present. and why? and that we don't actually pray much together even though we talk about what we need prayer for (that's one that always gets my goat historically). and that i can be as much of a failure and disappointment as anyone else. so i hesitate speaking since i fear being called a hypocrite. perhaps i should start by shouting my own mistakes and self-absorption from the rooftop! anyways, my friend has encouraged me to speak up more, like i did on friday i suppose he meant. to speak about my frustrations and be the change-maker i know i'm called to be. and i think he is right. (and i, in turn, called him to be more bold as he speaks up, because he's been speaking and we need to hear what he is really saying beneath all of his kind words and curious questions.) and we need to speak the positives, the beauties in the thing that is community and in the individuals that comprise it and beyond. he reminded me of that as well. another step on my path away from chronic negativity. unfortunately, i'm distracted and so very distract-able. i am not disciplined well, i admit. changing that could be the beginning to fit all these things i care about in my life, instead of just waiting to walk the stage in may. life doesn't have to be on hold until then. right? (i digress..)

read it, this lamott essay, that i somehow feel is relevant to these conversations on community, and talk to me about it, if you're up to it.

slowly morning melody, slowly.

2010-02-09T10:13:00.000-06:00

my bad habit of staying up late has continued. i have been staying up because for some reason by the time i should be thinking of bed i all of a sudden have many busybody type thoughts and actions to focus on, and all weariness is suddenly gone. it is not a habit i want to continue because on mornings that i technically can sleep in longer than i should, i then do. i need to go to bed an hour or two earlier so that i can get up that hour or two sooner, and get some stuff done--like studying, pilates, shoveling, errands.

anyways, here i am, with a couple extra hours before i have to be to work, and target and the post office are on the agenda. pilates once again isn't happening. the snow has stopped but it definitely piled up over the last couple of days (i think it's just a lull in the flow). we aren't as "lucky" as other places to get enough snow to have a snow day. i wanted so badly to have one yesterday, to not have to drive to st. paul slowly, so slowly, there and back. but no luck for me. and of course i couldn't get up my small driveway and into the garage come 7:15 pm, and nearly got stuck in the alley, but barreled through to park overnight on the street. plan post-work: finish up the shoveling, including the drive.

had a good heart to heart with the roommate last night. i have seen her so little the last week and a half. it was nice to just chat in the kitchen for an hour about her thoughts of living in the neighborhood, her transitions, her many changes and her family. i think we both appreciated the break of separate solo homework hours and the further clarity and understanding.

another photo to leave you with (i'm really liking having all my digital photos finally on my computer, next huge task will be to scan some non-digital ones in):

2010-02-05T20:41:00.000-06:00

photo of the day:

pandora radio of the week: joanna newsom radio. (off the hook good.)

off to a chris koza concert. it's going to be a very late night, with my friend sara from school that i hardly see anymore (no class together). and an early morn of work.

Success!

2010-02-03T22:53:00.000-06:00

i felt inspired after trying to do some reading for school. i've hated not having a lot of photos at my fingertips, so i found one cd of many to copy onto my computer. and now i feel like i have what i need to spice this place up a bit. so welcome to the new look & feel of the blog a la lizzie.

don't roll your eyes at the nepali influence. it's what drives me through grad school. it drives my days and my dreams. deal with it!

ps. i realized i was using a lame template and now found one that works much better for me. the fonts are correct! and now i can really have fun here. come one, come all! (er, not all.)

feeling the pull

2010-02-03T16:11:00.000-06:00

i've been writing this post in my head for a couple weeks. and honestly, it's gone now, all that i'd written. i just finished supervision early and am avoiding a Diagnostic Assessment that i need to write, reading blogs i love and wishing i knew how to post beautiful photos and creative musings here. but alas. i can't seem to figure it out. i can't even seem to get my font to stay the way i change it. it's annoying. it's blah-zay.

i was itching for a change last week, so on thursday i, shhh don't tell, re-ignite my online dating life (a.k.a. forked over the money and prayed it wouldn't be a waste this time). and on friday, i went to a salon (can't tell you the last time i went to one of those) with a friend from school, also scratching at the change-itch, and dyed my hair. it's now much darker (as dark as the lady could suggest i go with my coloring) and has red in it. and i have to tell you, i love it so much that i am considering paying regularly to keep it this way! i also decided that i DO NOT afterall want my hair its hippy length again. i had been saying i was going to grow it back, but i realized i like it the length it is now (basically just badly needing a haircut), so i'm going to hope that my hairdresser/friend kim will be able to switch our routine to cut to this length instead of the 2-3 inches shorter i've had for the last almost two years.

pretty big changes around here, eh? ha.

i'm in my last semester of grad school. so far so good. as in not too hard. i've managed to still waste lots of time and be just fine doing it. right now i only have three classes with homework. come spring break, i'll add another. but this seems to be the most manageable semester yet. there will be role-plays (which really don't scare me anymore, thanks to my months of "doing it for real" at my internship) and group projects (yuck!), but i'll make it. and come May 15th i'll walk the stage, get hooded by my parents, and get my MSW. i can almost smell freedom now!

in the meantime i've been stressing i bit about "what's next." i have some ideas in the works and am dabbling in the volunteer world to make sure i get to work in areas that i'm most passionate about. i'm contemplating what i'll do, where i'll go, if i can't get a job here. i'm thinking of applying for incredible competitive (unpaid) positions that could take me back overseas. and i'm thinking the sensible me should take whatever job i can and just hunker down for two years until i get that clinical license. hmmm.... thoughts? advice?

well, in the meantime i'm doing therapy. FIVE clients in one day yesterday. my supervisor says that's a record for any intern she's ever had... (i brag a bit because it really was quite a bit deal). and i wasn't left drained by it, rather quite energized. and that energized me more because it might suggest this is actually for me afterall. i also finally got assigned my in home family to work with. that begins next week. i have been ready and raring to go on that one for many weeks/months now. i feel pretty good about it except for some of the paperwork will be new. i'll be working with a wee tyke and his mum. how fun.

no one reads this. minus anne and sarah. and honestly that sorta annoys me. now i've come full circle and am back to thinking about how i could make this silly me-indulgent spot a bit more enticing to the sometimes/raretimes reader....??

ready or not

2010-01-10T21:14:00.000-06:00

here i come! is what i'm yelling at my bed right now.

told THE STORY again today. it had been a while since the whole shpeel was requested. i started with, "i so don't feel up to the whole thing, but i'll give you a basic idea..." and then i told almost everything. really, i couldn't believe that one of my closest friends here had never even heard it and never actually knew the true ending... whatever. glad she knows now. nice to hear she wanted to go to a thrift store and by a stack of plates just to break, in my honor.

i'm crying a lot lately. usually that isn't too big of a deal, but it's been more than normal, and more heart-felt. and sorta not understandable. although understandable. you know? it's exhausting being me today. as my friend says, and lately i concur, "i have nothing to give." why is that? and at the same time, i'm praying more than ever (or than i have for a long while--minus the retreat from a couple weeks back), so that part of my life feels good. perhaps that's the tears. perhaps it's not a confusion but an explanation of all the emotion. i hope i'm hearing and learning what i'm supposed to. this better be worth it.

can't wait for visits with ben and then abby and noah this week (not to mention the folks in muncie). let's just hope my dad's car (he preferred me to take his over mine), that seems to have horrible traction on snow and ice, gets me to illinois and indiana and back in one piece. and preferably while going the speed limit.

resolutions

2010-01-09T00:23:00.000-06:00

it's past midnight. i'm at work and should have been asleep for hours by now. however, after receiving a reward that i recommended myself for at our work holiday party this evening, with an extra 70 bucks in my pocket to prove it, i found myself particularly inspired... by the recognition more than the money... and i walked the isles of Target to see what things for my still semi-empty house i could now afford, left with only two pairs of little black gloves (for a whopping $1.50) and let myself spend another $1.07 more on a Red Box movie. i had decided to go into work a bit early to let the evening girl off and to get my night going (before the usual ten o'clock arrival/start time). and in order to make the hours before sleep more interesting, i spent the dollar plus to watch Julie & Julia. and now, i feel more inspired to write by it than cook hundreds of fattening meals. so i began a list of resolutions in my head. and, knowing myself to not easily turn of the churning machine in my skull, with the fortunate ease of access to computer left on, i hopped up and turned the light on to type them here before they are forgotten in slumber. perhaps a small bit of me wishes this blog were read and interesting like the one julie writes in that film, but i don't kid myself; i just like writing when i'm in the flow. whether "they" or you read it or not.
so the resolutions, in no particular order:
1. to write more, of the creative sort. not just the journaling, hand-aching kind (while even to my journal in many ways i've become a stranger), but the kind that is "in the [above mentioned] flow."
2. to resist my natural tendency to hibernate with my home-body self and get my butt moving. i can feel the poundage creeping on around my upper arms and shoulderblade/wing areas, and those are only the parts i'm aware of. i must begin to use that silly bollywood workout dvd, locate the isle at target that sells workout dvds (since i have experiences with those of a much more effective lot), and/or break down and get that membership at the Y (to be sleuthed this sunday pre-"swing" class or some such odd name for a hodgepodge of movements over and over that i've yet tried).
3. to seriously study nepali. it must happen. i must be fluent one day, and why delay that day by being lazy now? it's quite saddening and ridiculous as i realize how quickly the vocab and grammar i once had is now being lost. i visited my bhutanese nepali friend today and had such a difficult time saying the most simple things. i honestly came quite close to giving up the whole dream in the face of my loss. i hope to visit her regularly to ward of further loss and perhaps gain some back, and i realized the books on my shelf and my old school journal need some serious, and consistent, visiting.
4. to go on some dates (as yet i cannot commit to a number/frequency). enough said on this matter, for now.
5. to study hard for the next month and 11 days for my LGSW exam and then to successfully complete (aka pass) it. i WILL not torture myself (and my pocketbook) with a re-take!
6. to apply with gusto for the cambodian adventure that frightens and delights me all at once. to let my application be rejected or found wanting, if such happens, and then come the next april, apply again.
7. to find a way to dwell less on the "if onlys" of the past and the "what ifs" of the future. to come that much closer to freedom, contentment and presence in the now.
8. to laugh with abandon more often.
9. to pray more, as if i truly believe what i say i do. and not in the holy, polished, "i believe, oh jesus!" way (although that's good, too), but to just talk to God like he's there and caring and comforting even though so much of me rejects and feels uncomfortable with that. to let him be that companion that i so desperately seek for elsewhere (and will never fully find in those elsewhere places, peoples and things), a companion i even chat to about my wing fat and the fact that i can't believe my back and legs aren't aching from all the hibernating i've been doing lately! these meaningless and random conversations are so far feeling pretty great, as of today, post script.
and last, 10. to fully experience my emotions while not becoming their prey.

(okay. now. maybe my brain is empty enough to let me sleep for the next few hours until my client wakes me with the wall poundings and yells of "ma'am! ma'am! i'm not feeling so fine!" oh lord...)

2010. today and a belated reflection on this year's commencement.

2010-01-06T15:27:00.000-06:00

it's that age old delaying problem of "waiting for inspiration." alas.

i have been stood up again. by a client. a client that i wonder if i freaked out a bit last time we met as i was really pushing her to let down her guard a bit with me. she left saying, "i want to feel!" but i knew the prospect was scary for her. so many of my clients are similar to her (although not all quite as stoic), with such intense histories of damaging rejection, trauma, bad parenting, neglect, and the like. but they are such beauties! it's so much fun to get to know them all, to see their unique selves and encourage their attempts and hopes to have something all their own to offer to the world. they have cherished dreams and tiny bits of willingness to hope for them to actually take shape. it is truly a privilege to walk beside them.

often, after particularly intense sessions, i feel like i need to shake off the residue of these young adults who sit with me and share their stories. i get to poke and prod into their lives, their pains and joys, their very essences, hopefully in a manageable and well-timed and welcomed way. and when i do so their story becomes a bit of mine, and i become a bit of theirs too. these days/weeks/months of interaction leave me changed, and hopefully they leave changed for the better as well. really, the prayers that i've prayed for each of them are too few. and the pressure i have put on myself to help them in dramatic ways has subsided as i've learned that now is only meant to help them manage what is to come a little better than without the now. sure, more could happen in our weekly/biweekly sessions, but if i expect too much i grow stunted and disappointed with myself (or with them! godforbid!). it's such an interesting learning process.

i wrote an email to a friend today. an update on where i am now, so close to graduation and approaching the next steps that are still quite blurry to me. he's on of a few who were with me and very influential in my life 2 1/2 years ago when i was given the vision i have for my future, the one that began with a trip back to nepal and lots of prayer and lead from there to applications for graduate school... and later on a move back to the mother land and many hours of studying and writing and working for free. it was so fun to write to him. to thank him again for those hours of processing and trips around the foothills. and for the long day in the forest, writing and reading side by side when the clarity really struck my heart through his own words and longings for therapists to come to nepal. it's great, too, to imagine joining him there again one day as his work has really continued to grow (www.tinyhandsinternational.org) and thrive.

i also talked with my good friend kara last night. she recently returned from 5 years in nepal and is trying to discern her next steps as well. we both have these dreams that we feel are so clearly from God, not the same dreams but for similar peoples... and it was nice to discuss all the excitement and peace that can dwell within us while not knowing how it will all work out. the excitement flowing from knowing it's got to be God so much more than us. and that we have major parts to play: things to learn, people to network with, hours of prayers to pray... but that it isn't and can't be about it. i described to kara how i have this big broad dream with some details slowly coming into focus that is sort of far off on the horizon. and then i also have a clear picture of the step just in front of my face. but the big gap inbetween is dark to me. and as we talked, we both confirmed that if we knew what all was in that large shadowy expanse, we would freak out and halt altogether! so it's grace that we don't know all the steps and tasks and hills and miraculous musthaves between what is right in front of us and what will one day be. it made me more excited and thankful. and so glad to have a good good friend in a similar place. i'm so excited for her and can be full of deep faith for her and God acting in and through her... feeling that for her and speaking it to her helps me feel more of that faith for myself and my own unique path. more faith and less doubtful fear and anxiety is what i've been praying.

i spent a couple days in a hermitage in the woods (paceminterris.org) right before the new year and before my big 2-9 (new years day). it was a wonderful time of silence and reflection and prayers about all sorts of things. a time to rejuvinate and re-set my stance of standing on what i know in the depths of me to be true, about God and about me. i read some stuff about belonging and identity that cut to my core, especially as loneliness has become a companion i've been trying so hard to ignore lately. and i learned that if we are willing to sit face-to-face with our loneliness, stare it down, rather than distract! distract! distract! (my usual modus operandi) that icky self-concept-distorting companion can turn into a beautiful friend: Solitude. in Solitude we can really meet God. and Solitude (not just isolation) can be had anywhere, even in the business, noisiest places--it doesn't require a hermitage where no cars or talkers are allowed to traverse! and i prayed for an abiliity to transform loneliness into Solitude. because i realize trying to escape from or ignore loneliness is ridiculous and impossible. we all, whether married or single, whether a true hermit or the bell of the ball, have a bit of loneliness with us. this loneliness is evidence that the Kingdom has not quite come and it is part of that longing for more, longing for heaven, longing for intimacy with God--that, Him, the only true satisfier of our need to for connection and belonging. and he can infuse our days. that is what he asks/demands of us. an abiding, a constant praying... and it seems impossible. but i swear its more possible than i've let myself believe. and my hands-tossed-in-the-air "i can't!" has really just stolen a mysterious transforming of my moments and days. so no more! i will pray and trust and wait for God to teach me, show me, and show up. my ears need some re-training to hear. but there is hope even in that acknowledgement, admitting that i've lost some of what i once had maybe, but perhaps instead a realization that i need to learn anew, at a new level of mystery specifically for the now of this next year of life and change and journey.

join with me anyone? speak your doubts to Him who isn't thrown off or pushed away by them and let him speak inner deep rooting truths to your hearts, anyone? let's surrender our heads a bit and ask for more experiences of the heart. i want to be rooted in the solid ground and honestly confront the winds of doubt and fear that come. to me, that's faith.

the heartbreak of life.

2009-11-17T15:54:00.000-06:00

sometimes intense heartbreaking emotions fly at me and run me through the ringer completely out of the blue. it always leaves me breathless and dizzy. i had one of those mind boggling afternoons on sunday. i can't, so i won't, attempt to explain it. but i was talking on the phone with a dear friend, and suddenly i was weeping. and i mean weeping. and i felt almost panicky at the immense nature of the flood, worrying that beneath it all something damlike broke inside of me and would never be fixed. and i muttered loudly through my tears, "what's wrong with me?!" and then i found myself half-laughing because my friend said she was wondering the exact same thing, but perhaps with a different spin on it. it may have been the kind words she was saying to me of the sweet meeting we had unexpectedly 8 years ago. or it may have been my ever-increasing awareness that i will soon be 29, and i have so many desires left unmet...we spoke of the balance between contentment and desire which i find impossible to master (perhaps that's for a later post).

i've been trying to be more honest with myself lately. and in discovering the truth beneath what seeming beliefs i have built up, declaring them as my own, i discover that really i have a pretty shakey foundation afoot. and then i try to tell the God of the Universe about it. and the very act can feel false as i declare i don't have faith. i don't believe you! (do i dare to yell it?) but i know that healing comes by being honest and not just with myself either, in secret. that's only where it has to start. my friend has been helping me to see that unbelief is the core of all sin. unbelief? sin? these are words i'm not so used to using as i've been in some communities that avoid these taboo words out of a reaction to a pained past with the church. (no judgment here, just statement.) so hearing them again and even using them makes me a bit squirmish, but i think it's right. it's time. and i am daring to say them to my current community. asking for honest discussion about sin to happen between us. let me not be so reactionary and so determined to fight for social justice that i let the rest of who i've been called to be fall asleep, grow lazy, be kicked to the curb and ignored. i can only truly do what i am passionate about when i am truly being who i am made to be.

i prayed this morning, "i want to be a woman of deep faith whose actions and words flow from that solid foundation." i want to change the world through the yuck of me lessened that goodness of God as more... and more.

"i believe! oh Lord help my unbelief!"

do any of you struggle with unbelief? how do you dig down to the the bare-boned truth? then what do you do with it all?

random divulgence

2009-11-11T11:39:00.001-06:00

i can't *cough* stop coughing long enough *cough* to use my Crest Whitening Strips.

my knees make me feel older than a month and a half to 29.

my breakouts make me feel younger than a month and a half to 29, much younger.

i fear the first "real" session of therapy in which i am the therapist. i wonder if it was more than coincidence that i stayed home sick yesterday, dodging potentially three of those very things.

i am continually on a road for self-realization/self-understanding/self-definition, in order to change either my self-perception or my behaviors, but i feel like most attempts to know myself are thwarted by my undefinable, inboxable nature. yet, i pursue nonetheless.

i don't believe a lot of important things about God, at least where they apply to me. this is my most recent realization that i'm left to struggle with and wait through. and hopefully not forget this time.

i forget things all the time. i am highly distractable and am not as good at multi-tasking as i claim.

even though i don't like starting over somewhere new, i am constantly contemplating doing so.

i eat way too many beans and eggs, and sometimes together.

i know pizza makes my stomach hurt but i eat it anyways.

i secretly love our cat, frank, but openly hate our other cat, ella.

my sides hurt from laying around for two days. my throat and chest are starting to hurt from *cough* coughing non-stop. my legs hurt when i sleep with one on top of the other, knee against knee, calf against calf, bone on bone. it's disturbing to me.

i think i have restless leg syndrome.

due to the tip of a friend, i worry if i have ovarian cancer. the silent killer.

my computer has a mind of its own and turned off and on throughout the night, getting me out of bed at 4:30 to force it to shut up.

the idea of moving back to nepal scares the shit out of me.

i hate missing days, weeks and months of my nephews' lives. when i think about it or get new photos in my inbox, it makes me almost ill.

what does it mean to "hear the lovingkindness of the Lord in the morning"??

sara groves and motivation

2009-10-18T13:18:00.000-05:00

When The Saints

by Sara Groves

lord i have a heavy burden of all i've seen and know
it's more than i can handle
but your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and i can’t let it go

and when i'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

i think of paul and silas in the prison yard
i hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

and when the Saints go marching in
i want to be one of them

lord it's all that i can't carry and cannot leave behind
it all can overwhelm me
but when i think of all who've gone before and lived a faithful life
their courage compels me

and when i'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

i think of paul and silas in the prison yard
i hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
i see the shepherd moses in the pharaohs court
i hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord

chorus x2

i see the long quiet walk along the underground railroad
i see the slave awakening to the value of her soul
i see the young missionary and the angry spear
i see his family returning with no trace of fear
i see the long hard shadows of calcutta nights
i see the sister standing by the dying man’s side
i see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
i see the man with a passion come kicking down that door

i see the man of sorrow and his long troubled road
i see the world on his shoulders and my easy load

chorus

I Saw What I Saw

by Sara Groves

i saw what i saw and i can't forget it
i heard what i heard and i can't go back
i know what i know and i can't deny it

something on the road, cut me to the soul

your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what i'm afraid of
and what i know of love

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution

something on the road, cut me to the soul

chorus

i say what i say with no hesitation
i have what i have but i'm giving it up
i do what i do with deep conviction

something on the road, cut me to the soul

chorus 2x

your courage asks me what i’m afraid of
your courage asks me what i am made of
your courage asks me what i’m afraid of
and what i know of love
and what i know of god

this week has been interesting. just a bit emotional for several unmentionable reasons, but good overall. i started what was an unexpected new internship since my original one succumbed to the bad economy and i'd been scrambling to replace it for three week. and school and the time and focus it requires has finally caught up with me. the beginning month of each semester has consistently been misleading, and when things finally start happening i'm never quite ready. i should not be surprised by the "bottom-heavy" nature of my program since this is my third semester, but nonetheless i am, currently. and currently, in this chair in my home, in a bit of denial that i have two papers to write, hours of reading to do, and a project to make major headway on...

i pasted the lyrics of two sara groves songs above because in the midst of my emotional state, revolving around internship, school, relationships--all of which are linked to my future and the life i dream of having--i have been needing reminders (yet again) of why i am where i am, doing what i am. last spring i went to a prayer conference for International Justice Mission, a long full and intense weekend of hearing stories and spending hours of prayer for the work of an organization i have highly respected for years. sara was there to lead some worship and share songs with us, songs that she'd written around the issues of bonded slavery and forced prostitution in her involvement with IJM. these songs cut to my heart that weekend, but not until last month did i actually find and purchase them. and i haven't really listened to them again until this week.

somehow as i've been listening on my drives to/from school or just in general around this crazy city, a couple times i have been singing along in ways that feel like intense prayer and/or talking to myself about the WHY behind all of this upheaval and financial strain and time that sometimes feels unjustified and unsatisfactory. "when the saints" i have decided needs to be my theme song until i graduate and am officially a licensed graduate social worker (and perhaps beyond as i continue to get educated and trained as a therapist). and the song "i saw what i saw," which i believe sara wrote after her time in africa, had me in tears. tumultuous and refreshing all at once. this forgetful head needs to recall the faces and the pain of the people i am called to love and serve... the impetus for the dream, the dream fueling the current education. the tears feel impatient but also hopeful.

grad school, i guess, can feel dry and empty some days. but always draining. and i'm not always happy with the way classes are taught or often the lack of depth that the design of the class or the lack of time brings us. i have become a firm believer that the interning experience is far more practically important to my education than the classroom (although i'm not arguing the classroom needs to be done away with, it's very necessary, too). but when i feel like my time sitting (which is much of my time these days) feels less than what i hope, it's hard to be motivated to really invest in it. i shared the sara groves songs with a friend this weekend, telling him of my intense emotion around them and the need for reminding they have been fulfilling this week, and he reminded me yesterday, so appropriately, as i was dragging my feet from putting in more hours of homework, that it's for the women, for the children, for the broken and oppressed that i need to buckle down and learn.... so i have more to give. so i can be the faithful servant i'm called to be with what i have been given.

strength

2009-09-18T21:46:00.000-05:00

someone told me tonight that i am a courageous person. it's nice to hear. and i think i agree. as i get closer to my 30th birthday (not this coming birthday but the next), and i continue to pursue my dreams, i feel more and more sure of who i am. however, these days i've had some questions and wonderings about that said identity. lately, i have been nostalgic and with that having to shoo off regret and "wish had been"s. but with changes, new beginnings and adjustments, comes naturally (for me, at least) thinking of what was and who i used to be at different periods of life. i found some old letters and emails the other week at my parents' place. reminders of friendships that i thought would never change and of who i was in those times... and i have embarked on reconnecting with a few of these important "golden eggs". i think i need people in my life that have known me longer and can remind me of who i am in ways that people who more recently have meet and known me can't. and with the commencement of the schoolyear i've also tried to begin to reconnect with school buds who i have not talked to much this summer. it's a place of awkwardness and discomfort in self-awareness, all this change. tonight's encouraging words were happily drunk in.

fall

2009-09-08T19:26:00.000-05:00

i'm having a hard time enjoying the coming of fall. this is very unusual for me as autumn is generally my favorite season. i love the crisp air, the added layers of clothes, the changing leaves, the crunch beneath my feet. not to mention the yummy oh-so-fall smells and things to eat: apple cider, apple pie, carmel covered apples...

fall hasn't officially arrived yet in the sense of changing colors, even though i did see onebrilliant and shocking orange and green tree off to the right of a exit ramp just this weekend--and my heart stirred at the sight!--but with the coming of the schoolyear's commencement, it's official enough for me. and because of the papers, readings, intense hands on learnings ahead, my heart is a flurry of STRESS in response to fall's arrival. and that more negative and nighttime tossing response to my favorite season is not too welcomed by me.

so today, at target, while buying several things for my lovely home and for the brown bag lunches and hours at a desk (that i've yet to take into my possession) i saw the $1 bins. and my eyes quickly picked up on some fall-ish goodies. i couldn't resist! in order to make fall more lovely than its arrival currently feels to me, i purchased a tiny leaf-shaped hole punch and a fall colored leaves be-decked post-it notepad. last year for my fall semester of classes i had one of those handy-dandy three-ring binders with the plastic overlay and within it i collected leaves of reds and purples that fell from the trees near my thursday morning class. it was a way to celebrate fall and enliven my time with that notebook. so this year i'll use the post-its and punch the pages full of leaf-shaped holes!

(despite it all), yay for FALL! can i get an AMEN?

birthday party

2009-08-21T15:23:00.001-05:00

i have not usually been one who wants to spend lots of time, effort, money, etc. on throwing big parties. it's not that i don't like to give things to people, i do, i really do, i just have found parties generally taxing. i tend to be an early leaver. and so the thought of planning, prepping, throwing and being the one to get the whole shindig to happen, has never sounded that appealing. UNTIL... there is a special person to do it for! and now, i get it. i get so much about doing things for people, spending effort, time and even money to remind them how important they are. so my special someone had a birthday yesterday, and i for weeks now i have been doing all the planning. and LOVING the "burden" that it was. not a burden at all, but definitely a big ordeal as we had more than 18 people coming. and not just for cake and ice cream either. for dinner and dessert, kirk and sarah style. they, my sis and her hubby, if you know tend to go all out with food and celebrations. when i think of people putting forth more energy than i would, i am mostly thinking of them. but i followed in their (large) footsteps and threw a party that i believe would have been up to their standards if they could have been there. :) the chicken/potato curry was a wild success with an onslaught of praise flying at me and stacy (the sweetest friend who helped with the party and who i mustn't dare to forget to mention!) throughout its consumption. and then when the torte came out for the singing of the happy birthday song, a wish and its delighted eating, i was so pleased (and a bit puffed up, i admit) to hear how shocked many were that it was not a storebought cake afterall, but made by yours truly. [said torte actually fought hard against being produced, but some electrical tape and a few calls to kirk and sarah later, it "let" me make it.]

the gathering of so many friends thankfully gave kurt the best birthday he can recall (and least so he tells me.) and it was a joy, absolutely, to help him have it!

one of those mornings

2009-08-09T10:19:00.000-05:00

...when i would rather not get up.

...when i grab my laptop to entertain me in bed a few minutes/hours longer.

...when i actually have somewhere to go, some long neglected friends to meet up with, but i seriously consider cancelling.

...when showering feels too taxing.

...when old coffee warmed suffices.

...when the drama that is me shouldn't truly be shared because i would encounter real or invisible eye rolls and advice i don't want.

the end in the beginning

2009-07-02T13:08:00.000-05:00

i recently told a friend that "i tend to be melancholy," and it's quite true. it's one of those things about myself that i am learning to embrace. i also tend towards meandering. literally around the globe and internally, as i think (often over-think) and feel all over the map during any given day. sometimes i am so internal, so contemplative, that i forget how to interact with other humans. it can take hours, days even, for me to come out of a too-long-bout of reflection. my global travels are a big piece of my thoughts (above photo from most recent trip: to casablanca, morocco), giving me many realities to wrestle with and making me long for returns to beloved lands and their peoples. i suppose, if you're reading this, you already know this and much more about me. i've decided to start a new fresh blog. welcome to it! the old xanga was started long ago to keep friends and family abreast of my nepali adventures, and, while that chapter is not closed by any means, i feel so totally in another place now, that a new beginning to writing and reflecting "out loud" for you all, on my attempts to embrace the moments and cling to bits of hope that can often feel so elusive, feels appropriate.

it's a summer of relaxation and a race against boredom. as a grad student with one year of schooling remaining and a summer free from classrooms and assignments, it may be my last few months of hours upon hours of nothing to do but what i iwill and wish. however, i've never done well with too much time and too little structure. i thrive under lots to do in little time, with a handful of purposes to fulfill at once. and now it's easy to feel purpose-less, and therefore quite frustrated. but i am trying to spend the days with intention, not with mere "timepass" as they say in nepal. and i believe writing in the way i love, the more poetic mind-followed way, rather than the edited and technical form my education asks of me, could be a beautiful to truly LIVE this summer. and may you and those who stumble here find some enjoyment, and (dare i hope?) encouragement or comraderie, in the words i place.

thanks for beginning anew with me. it feels good, doesn't it?

a poem by mary oliver

2009-07-02T11:23:00.000-05:00

To Begin With, the Sweet Grass
1.
Will the hungry ox stand in the field and not eat of the sweet grass?Will the owl bite off its own wings?Will the lark forget to lift its body in the air or forget to sing?Will the rivers run upstream?
Behold, I say–beholdthe reliability and the finery and the teachings of this gritty earth gift.

2.
Eat bread and understand comfort.Drink water, and understand delight.Visit the garden where the scarlet trumpets are opening their bodies for the hummingbirdswho are drinking the sweetness, who are thrillingly gluttonous.
For one thing leads to another.Soon you will notice how stones shine underfoot.Eventually tides will be the only calendar you believe in.
And someone’s face, whom you love, will be as a starboth intimate and ultimate,and you will be both heart-shaken and respectful.And you will hear the air itself, like a beloved, whisper:oh, let me, for a while longer, enter the twobeautiful bodies of your lungs.

3.
The witchery of livingis my whole conversationwith you my darlings.All I can tell you is what I know.
Look, and look again.This world is not just a little thrill for the eyes.
It’s more than bones.It’s more than the delicate wrist with its personal pulse.It’s more than the beating of the single heart.It’s praising.It’s giving until the giving feels like receiving.You have a life—just imagine that!You have this day, and maybe another, and maybe still another.

4.
Someday I am going to ask my friend Paulus,the dancer, the potter,to make me a begging bowlwhich I believemy soul needs.
And if I come to you,to the door of your comfortable housewith unwashed clothes and unclean fingernails,will you put something into it?
I would like to take this chance.I would like to give you this chance.

5.
We do one thing or another; we stay the same or we change.Congratulations if you have changed.

6.
Let me ask you this.Do you also think that beauty exists for some fabulous reason?
And if you have not been enchanted by this adventure—your life—what would do for you?

7.
What I loved in the beginning, I think, was mostly myself.Never mind that I had to, since somebody had to.That was many years ago.Since then I have gone out from my confinements, though with difficulty
I mean the ones that are thought to rule my heart.I cast them out, I put them on the ush pile.They will be nourishment somehow (everything is nourishment somehow or another).
And I have become the child of the clouds, and of hope.I have become the friend of the enemy, whoever that is.I have become older and, cherishing what I have learned,I have become younger.
And what do I risk to tell you this, which is all I know?Love yourself. Then forget it. Then, love the world.

~ Mary Oliver, from Evidence